With the recent rulings on the eligibility of the high school class of 2022 opening the floodgates to more portal and roster construction chaos, I feel that college basketball fans need a fun story that leaves no room for confusion. With season four of “Ted Lasso” set to premiere this week on Apple TV, what better way to push through the final months of the offseason than with an ode to the television series?
The show is based on the unrealistic hypothetical that an English Premier League soccer club hires an American football coach who knows nothing about soccer or Europe’s passionate soccer culture. Ted Lasso, portrayed by Jason Sudeikis, is initially overwhelmed by the sport’s culture overseas but slowly finds his footing despite his unfamiliarity with the game.
While the NBA is the more skill-based equivalent to the Premier League in American basketball, college basketball would be the route for a European to be as culture-shocked as Lasso is in the show. That’s why, for offseason fun, I’m introducing a made-up coach named Hugo Pembroke, who will be tasked with the opposite of Lasso, coming to America to coach a new sport. I’ve created a 13-game nonconference slate for Pembroke to take on at a mid-major program.
For the sake of the article, the team that was bold enough to take the Ted Lasso route is Lipscomb, with a key reason to be revealed in the schedule. Obviously, Kevin Carroll had a serviceable first season with the program and won’t be fired in the near future, which is why the use of the Bison for this story is purely hypothetical. Wichita State would’ve been the obvious choice given Lasso coaches there in the show, but I wanted to use a program of lower standing to encapsulate the grind of the college basketball season for low-major programs.
The primary goal of this schedule is to introduce Pembroke to everything that makes college basketball special beyond the on-court product. There’s more games on the road or at neutral sites than is typical, even for a low-major, but in the interest of getting the most of the college basketball experience, I felt that was necessary.
Game One: Opening night at Kansas
Atmosphere is part of what makes college basketball special, so what better way for Pembroke’s season to begin than with a trip to arguably the best atmosphere in the country. Because this whole article is hypothetical, I’m going to pretend each game on this schedule features a capacity crowd.
I also imagine the concept of a buy game, where your team likely won’t be competitive in exchange for money for your program, wouldn’t sit right with a European who is used to a relegation system.
Finally, I’d like to imagine Pembroke would follow the tradition of European managers and wear a suit on the sidelines. In my article with suit-wearing anecdotes from 20 head coaches, Houston Christian’s Craig Doty described the feeling when Bill Self walked into Allen Fieldhouse in a quarter-zip and poked fun at Doty who had his staff in suits. That feels like a culture-shock experience necessary for Pembroke who has never stepped foot in America.
This game would be eye-opening in terms of talent disparity between high and low-major programs. The firsthand college basketball atmosphere playing in the famed Allen Fieldhouse, differences in facilities, and the rich history and tradition of the sport make it a great start to the season.
Game Two: Home-opener vs. Rhodes College (Division III)
Most low-major programs will play at least one (often many more) non-Division I school each season, so I’m going to get that out of the way right off the bat. Dropping in competition from Kansas on the road to a Division III school in your next game feels like a perfect embodiment of the up-and-down nature of the season for a low-major program.
It would also be difficult to fill seats for this game, so for a European who is used to passionate environments every single game, I can only imagine the oddity of your home opener being in a pretty empty gym, against a team from a level of competition two steps below your own.
This isn’t a particularly fun choice, but it’s one I deemed necessary for a hypothetical coach to endure the difficulties of scheduling and keeping your team motivated even in a game with much less appeal than a season-opener at one of the sport’s most iconic venues.
Game Three: at Syracuse
Would the JMA Wireless Dome be a shock to Pembroke in terms of stadium capacity? No. Its basketball capacity is actually comparable to the average stadium capacity in the Premier League. However, more than 30,000 people packed around a basketball court a fraction of the size of a soccer pitch would create a much more intense and enclosed atmosphere.
The venue boasts the highest capacity in the sport, but more importantly, and shocking to Pembroke in this hypothetical, is that it’s a football stadium. The idea of more than 30,000 fans packed into a stadium, with a large portion of the stadium remaining unused and hidden behind bleachers pulled to the sideline of the court, would undoubtedly be a surprise for a European.
It’s not basketball in a football stadium that seats nearly 100,000 in the Final Four, but in the nonconference, it’s as close as Pembroke can get (unless you go to Northern Arizona’s Walkup Skydome in Flagstaff).
Game Four: at USC Upstate
Following a trip to upstate New York to play in the sport’s biggest stadium, I think it only makes sense for Pembroke to do the opposite and visit the G.B. Hodge Center. The reasoning is simple. If you’re going to play at the largest venue, you should also play at the smallest.
If Pembroke is active on the high school recruiting trail, stepping into a gym that seats less than 900, and that is smaller than the high school gyms he’s recruiting in, would come with a fair share of confusion.
Game Five: at Florida International
Continuing south, Lipscomb is also going to make a stop in Florida, where its head coach will be introduced to the world of unique courts in college basketball.
While mowing patterns and grass type can affect the visual appearance of soccer pitches, I’d argue different court designs would be an adjustment for Pembroke. I figured I’d ease Pembroke into college basketball’s crazy floors with a trip to FIU.
Walking into the arena and seeing a beach depicted on the surface where your team is about to play would presumably be shocking to a European who is used to pitches that despite minor differences, are pretty similar from game-to-game.
Games Six, Seven and Eight: Battle 4 Atlantis
It’s a stretch for an ASUN team to get an invite to a Feast Week event of this nature, but I think the event would be willing to take a swing at Pembroke’s blokes in this scenario. Playing three games in a resort ballroom over Thanksgiving (a quintessential American holiday) is a perfect example of what makes the sport special, so Pembroke must get that experience.
Game Six: vs. Austin Peay
It’s equally as unrealistic for Austin Peay to play in this event, but I couldn’t build this schedule without including a matchup with Corey Gipson. With Austin Peay leaving the ASUN this season, Pembroke wouldn’t face the Governors unless he does so in the nonconference.
I view this as the perfect opener for the event. Not only would Pembroke be surprised walking into a ballroom with pull-out bleachers and a basketball court, but the suit-wearing Pembroke would also stand across the sideline from Gipson in his military uniform. The combination of the venue and the opposing coach sporting attire Pembroke has never seen on a sideline make for a necessary experience.
Game Seven: vs. Queens
As if an opposing head coach in a military uniform wasn’t enough culture shock for Pembroke, on day two of the event, he’ll face arguably the most fascinating dresser in the sport, Grant Leonard.
Leonard has worn Thanksgiving sweaters in the past, but in this hypothetical, I think he takes things to another level with a 3D turkey sweater. Maybe the dust has settled on seeing a coach in a military uniform a day later, but now Pembroke faces a coach in a crazy sweater, truly encapsulating the college basketball experience.
Yes, I realize this is a conference matchup, but it is possible for conference matchups to happen in multi-team events, and facing Leonard and his wardrobe on a holiday was too good to leave out.
Game Eight: vs. Marquette
It was clear during the World Cup that Europeans questioned Americans’ passion for soccer. This schedule already has Pembroke facing some of the most passionate fanbases, but I want to ensure he doesn’t question the passion in college basketball from not only fans, but also the coaches.
No matter the stakes, Shaka Smart is going to bring the juice to the sidelines. Not that there isn’t a passionate coach on the schedule thus far, but when Pembroke sees Smart in a defensive stance, creeping onto the court, practically adding a sixth man to the Marquette defense, any questions he has about the passion of the sport will go out the window.
Game Nine: vs. IU Indianapolis
Not that Pembroke wouldn’t be accustomed to game planning for different play styles, but a matchup with Ben Howlett and “The System” feels like an appropriate initiation to college basketball. After returning from Paradise, Lipscomb will host one of the most unique game-planning challenges at the mid-major level.
Pace is the name of the game when you face “The System,” and Pembroke’s team could play good defense in his eyes, but one, if not both, teams could still reach triple digits in the score column. This matchup is less of a culture shock than unique venues or coaches’ sideline attire, but a coach new to the sport can’t play an entire nonconference slate without having to prepare for at least one of the funkiest styles in the nation.
Game 10: at St. John’s
If Pembroke is familiar with basketball in any capacity prior to his stint as a coach, it’s likely the NBA. That’s why I felt his team needed to play in an NBA arena at some point in the nonconference slate. What better way to do so than the Mecca of hoops, Madison Square Garden? A game of this magnitude may be played at Carnesecca Arena, but if Rick Pitino was aware of an opposing European head coach looking to get the most out of the college basketball experience, he’d get it in MSG.
Pitino also represents an old-school mentality as a college basketball coach, which would be good for Pembroke to encounter. Much of the sport has grown to feel professional in a sense, so drawing an old-fashioned head coach who stands for the tradition of the game would be a worthwhile experience.
Game 11: at Cal State Bakersfield
Like the FIU game, there’s no rivalry ties or high stakes associated with this matchup, but at least once, Pembroke’s team needs to play on a colored court. There’s a handful of courts that fit that criteria, but I figured that, as the conference slate approaches, Pembroke hasn’t been out west, so a trip to Bakersfield checks a colored court off the college basketball bucket list.
In a grueling nonconference slate, it will also be nice for Lipscomb to have another game it may even be favored in to build momentum for the conference season.
Game 12: at Penn
In the final road game before conference play, I saw no better opportunity than for Pembroke to take his team to college basketball’s cathedral. Playing at Penn allows Pembroke to see that rich tradition and history doesn’t just exist at the high-major level.
The Palestra holds just under 9,000, so it’s much more intimate than Allen Fieldhouse, but it’s a great opportunity for Lipscomb to play a mid-major team it can compete with, while experiencing another iconic venue.
Game 13: vs. Belmont
As I mentioned earlier, there was a specific reason for picking Lipscomb to be the team that undergoes the hypothetical Ted Lasso experiment in college basketball. Soccer fans critique the lack of rivalry juice in American sports, so I needed Pembroke to experience a mid-major rivalry.
This crosstown rivalry between the two schools in Nashville fits that mold. It’s no longer a twice-per-year rivalry due to conference realignment, but it’s played every season and there’s no shortage of intensity.
It’s not Duke-North Carolina, but it’s a rivalry that wouldn’t leave Pembroke questioning if college basketball teams had genuine hatred for their rivals. And to sweeten the deal, it’s a home game for Lipscomb in this hypothetical. Rivalry games between teams in different conferences seem to be played at neutral sites more often than not, so an opportunity to fill up your home gym and beat a rival to cap off the nonconference is a golden opportunity for Pembroke.